I'm back! I feel me again. No no, I shouldn't say that... Ana is back. Not that she really left she always came in and out very lightly during my two week binge feast begging me to stop but I would always silence her. I had replaced her with this monster that would push me to eat more and more till I was 15lbs heavier. Ana would never let me do that. Ana knows what's best for me and my happiness and I'm starting to let her take control again. I have to say I really missed her. For the past 3 days I was successful to my beauty detox cleanse. Today was the first day I had to eat real food (forced family dinner). I think I ate at the most 500 calories but I worked off that and more at the gym today.
Hello October!
Reason's to keep losing this month:
Parents are leaving me next week, so I'm throwing a party next Friday!
My friend is having a party next Saturday
Halloween!
I'm not going to spend those dates fat... no only fasting. Ever since I started gaining that excessive amount of weight starting a few weeks ago I have enter such a slump and it's made me afraid to leave the house. I'm starting to see results already from my fast and it feels so good. I'm not letting this go. I want to keep losing and enjoy my life! Your only 17 once why should I have to spend it hiding in my room as a fat pig. No that's pathetic. I'm so much stronger then food.
OCTOBER PLAN:
Vegan diet (mostly raw)
No gluten
Only eat in front of people
No eating between 7am-7pm
60 minutes of cardio daily
Snacks: ice.
Probiotics first thing in the morning
Digestive enzymes at dinner
Magnesium oxygen supplements right before bed
2 litters of ice water daily
Start every morning with hot water with lemon
200 cals per day or less
(If I should eat more then 200 cals work off the entire amount of calories plus more)
Soo today I was suppose to take the SAT and be at the test center at 7:45am the SAT started at 8:00 want to know what time I woke up 7:59am yup I missed the SATs what the hell is wrong with me!! who sleeps through the SATs... 50 bucks wasted. It's been weird I've been sleeping in so much lately I set my alarm but I literally turn it off and go back to bed without even thinking pretty much every other morning. I've been looking like a hot mess to school for the past two weeks cause I barely give myself anytime to get ready. I think I'm getting depressed with my weight more then ever. I feel like I will never make my goal weight or even back down to my lowest weight. How could I have let myself gain 15lbs in 2 weeks I just feel helpless and weak. I'm such a failure. It wasn't even like it was just one major binge it was a constant consumption of junk for days and now I'm trapped under the pounds. I think I keep sleeping in cause I know I just don't even want to leave the house that day. Every time I look in the mirror I ask myself how have I let this get so bad. I tried to stay positive with the whole new beginning thing, but I still feel this pain inside telling me all I will ever be is FAT.
True inspiration for me! I know this is not the typical thinspiration type song here, but it works better. This song truly speaks from the heart. It's about the cough syrup epidemic a few years back when lil wayne made this drug famous, it became a highly popular drug in the rap industry. Many rappers mentioned it in songs and it spread to the teens. He later goes on in the song talking about the dangers drugs have and how they can ruin lives how our whole life is just for that one thing. To me food is like a drug and I need to escape from it. It is holding me back from my true potential of life.
There's too much to life then that little momentarily high I receive from eating. Starving and living is so much better then the guilt that kills me. Food will no longer hold me back.
Lyrics:
(starting from 2:16 in video above)
Surprise, you know the drill
Trapped in a box, declined record sales
Follow the formula violence, drugs, and, sex sells
So we try to sound like someone else
This is not Californication There's no way to glorify this pavement Syrup, percocet, and an eighth a day will leave you broke, depressed, and emotionally vacant
Despite how Lil Wayne lives
It's not conducive to being creative
And I know 'cause he's my favorite
And I know 'cause I was off that same mix
Rationalize the shit that I'd try after I listen to dedication
But he's an alien, I'd sip that shit, pass out or play Playstation
Months later I'm in the same place No music made, feeling like a failure
And trust me it's not dope to be 25 and move back to your parent's basement I've seen my people's dreams die I've seen what they can be denied
And "weeds not a drug" - that's denial
Groundhog Day life repeat each time
I've seen oxy cotton take three lives
I grew up with them, we used to chief dimes
I've seen cocaine bring out the demons inside
Cheatin' and lyin' Friendship cease, no peace in the mind Stealin' and takin' anything to fix the pieces inside Broken, hopeless, headed nowhere
Only motivation for what the dealer's supplying
That rush, that drug, that dope
Those pills, that crumb, that roach Thinkin' I would never do that, not that drug
and growing up nobody ever does Until your stuck, lookin' in the mirror like I can't believe what I've become
Swore I was goin' to be someone
And growing up everyone always does
We sell our dreams and our potential
To escape through that buzz
Just keep me up, keep me up
Hollywood here we come
Let this song reminds us to stay strong... we don't have to be a failure
also one of the best workout songs xx
Thank god I have SATs tomorrow morning. I hate going out when I'm this fat. Until I loose ten pounds I don't think I could handle going to a party looking like this. Tonight gives me a perfect excuse to put on some sweats and curl up in Barnes and Nobles with my SAT practice book and study while drinking some delicious peach detox tea. Now I don't have to worry about going out with friends and it gets me out of the house which gives me the opportunity to sneak away from dinner. Ahhh it feels good to be back on track. I thought I would need the 200,400, 500 (or less) calorie rotation to get me moving again but I think I will bag it for at least this week. I'm enjoying this fast too much, its only day two but I'm feeling strong! Around day five I know things will change... I just have to keep my enthusiasm high and remind myself of all the clothes I can wear and the fact that I can go out on the weekends again!!
Right now I'm stuck with food paralyzation weighing me down... literally.
Hopefully I will feel the air lifting me off soon. xx
I have just finished The Beauty Detox Solution by Kimberly Snyder.
Her book is all about living the lifestyle of constantly cleansing by eating a raw vegan diet but there's a lot more to it then just eating healthy. A major component to this detox was concentrating on the combination of foods as well as the order in which we eat them. She explains if you want to shed weight and improve your natural beauty you need to save your body's energy to do so. An average person uses around 80% of there body's energy on digestion. When we use less energy on digestion our body can use it on improving our skin, hair, and nails as well as keeping our bodies lean and toned. By the looks of Kim I would say she makes it look possible to achieve your perfect body.
Adjusting My Lifestyle: I have already decided that I am going to keep to a mostly raw vegan diet (that is when I do eat). But I'm going to concentrate on the requirements of food combination as well to help myself cleanse. On Kim's blog I found an article about a One Day Cleanse I think what I will do is make this "One" day cleanse a two week cleanse. While sticking to the 200, 400, 500 (or less) calorie rotation. In her book she suggest taking natural supplements to enhance the detoxing like taking probiotics first thing in the morning, digestive enzymes at dinner, and magnesium oxygen supplements right before bed. Must go get those!!
I love starting anew and today feels great.
So far I have only had a mug of hot water and lemon juice. For dinner I think I will dine on a cup of peach detox tea. I don't think I will eat any solid foods, I really have no desire to eat at all today. I'm probably still feel full from yesterday's feast. Gross
Cheers to new beginnings. xx
For more information on Kim check out my link's page.
Today I said goodbye. After any great binge spree (mine lasting of two weeks and 15lbs). I had a day worthy of envy from competitive food eaters. I eat constantly the entire day, I try not to think or even check labels I just shove it into by body and let myself go numb into the states of a food comma.
Now at the depths of the late night AMs I stare at my growing stomach, and feel my body's ill temperament screaming as it deals with the intensive amount of calories, carbs, sugars, and fats. I do this so I can feel the nightmare so I can become afraid. It's the equivalent to a friend splashing cold water in your face or a sudden slap. After this intense shock, I then become very euphoric and clear headed. I can finally discover what I truly want and what I want more then anything in this world is to be skinny.
Up until two weeks ago I was a vegan I lasted all of august and the first two weeks of September. Ever since I have stopped, my skin has become the perfect soil for the acne crops to sprout this season. Due to the excessive weight gain and pimple problems I am literally afraid to go out anymore. Tomorrow I have no school and most of my friends have gone to parties I chose to stay in and eat. Yes that's right... pathetic. I only ever really have a good time going out is when I starving myself. I miss it. I truly miss and it and I feel lost without it. I need this fresh start tomorrow. I need to get back to my old ways. This isn't me this person I have become these last two weeks it isn't me. I am waking up tomorrow.
I use to keep a pro ana blog going for a while last year. Then I didn't even realize it was pro ana it was just a way for me to release the frustrations I had been feeling towards food I really didn't even read any pro ana blogs. I just wrote...
I deleted the entire blog one day I just wanted to stop feeling everything I was writing.
I believe now I need it, I need to record what I'm going through even if no one hears it. I need to read what other pro ana bloggers are saying. It will remind me everyday to stay strong, and most importantly to remind myself that I am not alone.
Since I have deleted my previous entries I'm missing the basic beginning posts.
So I will start here: I am a 17 year old girl who has just started my junior year in high school. I have always been heavy my entire life. I left the womb chubby and continued the next 16 years that way. This time last year I weighed in at a hefty 145lbs. I knew I was fat, I knew how my body should have looked. I am 5'4 the same height as my mom and sister who are both between 110-100lbs. My mother is the most jacked women I know at age 48, and she should be for most of my life I have always watched her eat half her small servings and slave away in exercise. I just pegged it as she's bored and has no job what else is she suppose to be doing. My sister the athlete a varsity at all her sports starting freshmen year was always under 100lbs till she turned 16 and probably that weight was just added muscle to a girl who has been harvesting a six pack since age 10. I never knew that my sister was an ana till my freshmen year in high school when my sister left for her first year of college at an ivy league school of course! not only is she a skinny bitch athlete but she's a perfectionist.
My current GPA: 1.8... ha! i pray to god one college will accept me I also play no sports after all I hold no athletic ability. Me and my sister are complete opposites.
When my sister left school her second semester. I thought she couldn't handle the stress and wanted to change schools the truth was my sister was far below the 100lb mark and was dealing with a serious ED. My mom and her went to therapist meetings and saw nutritionist and tried to deal with there issues together. Both of them were diagnosed with anorexia. This was all kept secret from me for several months until finally I asked my dad what was really going on. They are both doing better now and we are much more open about it but I will always feel that the reason they never told me was because they didn't want me to feel that they thought I was gross, appearances matter, and my weight made me ugly. I once found my sister's word document filled with thinspiration quotes and other random thoughts she had, one of them was "I'm afraid one day I will look like my sister". This is when I entered my viscous world of fasts, and binges. I do not consider myself having an ED but..
I do consider myself having an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't blame my sister quit the opposite she is the reason I always stop binging, she is the reason I always stop fasting. Having extreme mental ways of handling the world of food is part of my genetic make up something was bond to trigger it. My sister is the anchor that stops me from going any farther on either end.
My biggest fear is that I will become my sister.
This constant up and down weight thing has got to go. I hate bouncing between 145-115lbs for nearly a year now. I get heavy (145) look at the scale go ohh shit and crash diet until i'm dead on the ground at 115lb having to be taken out of school for eating issues like being dehydrated and asking your teacher you really need to go to the nurse cause your gonna pass out is not fun. having no energy is not fun. having your lips always blue is not fun. The minute i realize this and want to be healthy again i can not maintain weight i gain gain gain and in a week I'm up 10lbs until finally I'm back where i started realizing that... eating junk and feeling sick is not fun. not going out on the weekends cause your too fat is not fun. having to buy fat jeans cause none of your clothes fit anymore is not fun.
Today I weigh in at 127. 2 weeks ago I was 115. up twelve pounds sucks. All I've been doing is binging the first day I broke my 2 week fast I dove into an entire pizza ate the entire thing. I spent the rest of the night puking (and not by force). My body can't handle these physical extremes anymore and either can I handle this mental frustration. It's so embarrassing coming into school now knowing that a few days ago I was 10lbs lighter I know everyone can see it too.
I NEED LOOSE and never gain again.
If I had kept to my plan I would have suppose to been at a lovely 105 by tomorrow.
sucks for me... now all I do is suck in.
I herd bitterness is good for drive lets hope this works.
I'm not going to spend those dates fat... no only fasting. Ever since I started gaining that excessive amount of weight starting a few weeks ago I have enter such a slump and it's made me afraid to leave the house. I'm starting to see results already from my fast and it feels so good. I'm not letting this go. I want to keep losing and enjoy my life! Your only 17 once why should I have to spend it hiding in my room as a fat pig. No that's pathetic. I'm so much stronger then food. 
