October lets go hard

I'm back! I feel me again. No no, I shouldn't say that... Ana is back. Not that she really left she always came in and out very lightly during my two week binge feast begging me to stop but I would always silence her. I had replaced her with this monster that would push me to eat more and more till I was 15lbs heavier. Ana would never let me do that. Ana knows what's best for me and my happiness and I'm starting to let her take control again. I have to say I really missed her.  For the past 3 days I was successful to my beauty detox cleanse. Today was the first day I had to eat real food (forced family dinner). I think I ate at the most 500 calories but I worked off that and more at the gym today.

Hello October!
Reason's to keep losing this month:

1. Parents are leaving me next week, so I'm throwing a party next Friday!
2. My friend is having a party next Saturday
3. Halloween!

I'm not going to spend those dates fat... no only fasting. Ever since I started gaining that excessive amount of weight starting a few weeks ago I have enter such a slump and it's made me afraid to leave the house. I'm starting to see results already from my fast and it feels so good. I'm not letting this go. I want to keep losing and enjoy my life! Your only 17 once why should I have to spend it hiding in my room as a fat pig. No that's pathetic.   I'm so much stronger then food.  

OCTOBER PLAN:    

• Vegan diet (mostly raw)
• No gluten 
• Only eat in front of people
• No eating between 7am-7pm
• 60 minutes of cardio daily
• Snacks: ice.
• Probiotics first thing in the morning
• Digestive enzymes at dinner
• Magnesium oxygen supplements right before bed
• 2 litters of ice water daily
• Start every morning with hot water with lemon
• 200 cals per day or less

(If I should eat more then 200 cals work off the entire amount of calories plus more)

new month new start xx 

Sleeping (not so) Beauty(ful)

Soo today I was suppose to take the SAT and be at the test center at 7:45am the SAT started at 8:00 want to know what time I woke up 7:59am yup I missed the SATs what the hell is wrong with me!! who sleeps through the SATs... 50 bucks wasted. It's been weird I've been sleeping in so much lately I set my alarm but I literally turn it off and go back to bed without even thinking pretty much every other morning. I've been looking like a hot mess to school for the past two weeks cause I barely give myself anytime to get ready. I think I'm getting depressed with my weight more then ever. I feel like I will never make my goal weight or even back down to my lowest weight. How could I have let myself gain 15lbs in 2 weeks I just feel helpless and weak. I'm such a failure. It wasn't even like it was just one major binge it was a constant consumption of junk for days and now I'm trapped under the pounds. I think I keep sleeping in cause I know I just don't even want to leave the house that day. Every time I look in the mirror I ask myself how have I let this get so bad. I tried to stay positive with the whole new beginning thing, but I still feel this pain inside telling me all I will ever be is FAT.