I use to keep a pro ana blog going for a while last year. Then I didn't even realize it was pro ana it was just a way for me to release the frustrations I had been feeling towards food I really didn't even read any pro ana blogs. I just wrote...
I deleted the entire blog one day I just wanted to stop feeling everything I was writing.
I believe now I need it, I need to record what I'm going through even if no one hears it. I need to read what other pro ana bloggers are saying. It will remind me everyday to stay strong, and most importantly to remind myself that I am not alone.
Since I have deleted my previous entries I'm missing the basic beginning posts.
So I will start here: I am a 17 year old girl who has just started my junior year in high school. I have always been heavy my entire life. I left the womb chubby and continued the next 16 years that way. This time last year I weighed in at a hefty 145lbs. I knew I was fat, I knew how my body should have looked. I am 5'4 the same height as my mom and sister who are both between 110-100lbs. My mother is the most jacked women I know at age 48, and she should be for most of my life I have always watched her eat half her small servings and slave away in exercise. I just pegged it as she's bored and has no job what else is she suppose to be doing. My sister the athlete a varsity at all her sports starting freshmen year was always under 100lbs till she turned 16 and probably that weight was just added muscle to a girl who has been harvesting a six pack since age 10. I never knew that my sister was an ana till my freshmen year in high school when my sister left for her first year of college at an ivy league school of course! not only is she a skinny bitch athlete but she's a perfectionist.
My current GPA: 1.8... ha! i pray to god one college will accept me I also play no sports after all I hold no athletic ability. Me and my sister are complete opposites.
When my sister left school her second semester. I thought she couldn't handle the stress and wanted to change schools the truth was my sister was far below the 100lb mark and was dealing with a serious ED. My mom and her went to therapist meetings and saw nutritionist and tried to deal with there issues together. Both of them were diagnosed with anorexia. This was all kept secret from me for several months until finally I asked my dad what was really going on. They are both doing better now and we are much more open about it but I will always feel that the reason they never told me was because they didn't want me to feel that they thought I was gross, appearances matter, and my weight made me ugly. I once found my sister's word document filled with thinspiration quotes and other random thoughts she had, one of them was "I'm afraid one day I will look like my sister". This is when I entered my viscous world of fasts, and binges. I do not consider myself having an ED but..
I do consider myself having an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't blame my sister quit the opposite she is the reason I always stop binging, she is the reason I always stop fasting. Having extreme mental ways of handling the world of food is part of my genetic make up something was bond to trigger it. My sister is the anchor that stops me from going any farther on either end.
My biggest fear is that I will become my sister.
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